A letter from Papa John is here! I stole this one night apparently, I don’t remember how! He is mad about quack medicine Gemanic Spell Caps or whatever.

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German Health Products
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Berlin 55269
Germany

Dear Sir,

I am writing to inform you that your new product, Germanic Spell Caps, do not, in fact, work as advertised, or indeed, at ALL. I found their taste to be displeasing; their odor, most foul (rank, I dare say) and they gave my stomach a terrible beating. It was, in fact, the worst experience that I have ever had in my life. Your capsules have set a new standard for lowness if there ever was one. In fact, I dare believe it is even worse than a poltergeist at a 12-year old’s birthday party, for your behavior is surely worse than theirs. In fact, a gorilla raping my mother before my very eyes would have been repugnant indeed, yet the very thought of a possible future wherein I am force-fed your capsules as a form of horrifying torture could in fact be an even worse experience; nay, COULD is too strong a verb for this; WOULD is indeed much better suited. I am aware that COULD and WOULD are not verbs, but that is quite beside the point here.

Your vile pills are suck.

I hate them like murder and

you must refund me.

I hope this Haiku is a satisfying agreement between us. You will give me my seventy-two American dollars (I will NOT take “euros,” thank you very much), and you will give them to me by sunrise tomorrow, when I expect to see them deposited into my clammy early-morning hands by your quivering pairs of flesh-stubs.

Thank you for your time and cooperation.

Sincerely,

Papa John
(don’t fuck with me)