teh rise of teh silver surfer

OK so I wanted to know how good the new Fantastic Four movie will be, but I do not want to wait to find out because I sort of want to get hammered on Friday night and watch it! I looked around for reviews but could not find any good ones, I was about to try alt.filmpirates.moviereviews.bin but I remembered that I hate using Usenet!

I then remembered that I had a future self problem! It hasn’t been so bad lately, but I know he comes out of my brain when I least suspect it!

I wrote on the computer screen in rub-out marker,

FUTURE SELF: DID YOU SEE THE FANTASTIC FOUR:RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER MOVIE IN THE FUTURE? IF SO SHOULD I GO SEE IT? THANX TOUCHING

Then I drank a quart of whiskey and passed out with my face stuck to the keyboard!

I woke up a couple of days later, I was in the bathtub, but not in water: I was in a pool of baby oil! This is weird! I said to myself, but it was OK, I figured it was the Future Self doin’ thangs to my body again. He was probably trying to fix it after all I have been doing to it (smoking reservation cigarettes, drinking quarts of whiskey, cough syrup binges, cheese heroin shakes, dimetap and hydrogen peroxide, etc)

It took me a long time to get out of the tub, since I was so slippery! I blew out the scented lavender candles and rubbed the oil off of my body, I had to swing my feet out over the edge of the tub and rub them with a towel, then rub most of my body to get the rest of the oil off, then rub my lower body and feet and legs AGAIN to get the rest of the oil that dripped off, then I slid out of the bathroom into the door!

When I woke up again I was still by the door and nothing strange had happened, so I must have just passed out like a normal person. Anyway, so I got up, and since I had landed on the rug and not the plastic bathroom floor, I could move and not slide an extra three inches per step due to oilfoot, so I thought it a good time to go back to the computer!

The marker was rubbed out and a notepad was open on the computer, it was a message from my future self! it said:

****************
ATTN: Touching:
RE: Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer

Ok you dumbfuck, I don’t even know why I am typing this to you. I know damn well you’re going to see this stupid movie, and you and I both know you’re going to get royally fucked up before you watch it. In fact, you’re going to get so fucked up that you are going to thoroughly enjoy the “film” in question. In fact you will tell your fucking roommate that “it’s awesome, go see it!” because all you can remember from your cough-syrup induced delirium is how cool the Silver Surfer looked and acted, and that you liked how silly everything was.

Maybe if I drank two and a half 16-ounce bottles of Robotussin I would feel the same way..OH WAIT! I did, didn’t I? That’s right, brainfucker, I did, because I had to come from you.

So, do you want to know what you should do? I’ll tell you. Don’t see it, go draw pictures or study astronomy this coming Friday. What will you actually do? You’ll drink five or six Pabst Blue Ribbon’s at Kingman’s Lounge or The Alley or the Easy Lounge or some other fucking Oakland hipster preening hellhole and be so drunk you’ll think you are having a good time there, then you’ll stop by the drugstore and buy three bottles of cough syrup with dextramorthophan and drink them one by one in the back of the meth-addled Kwikway (in front of the eyepatch lady, too), before hurling in front of the KFC before you get halfway through the third bottle of Robo. Then you know what you’ll do? You will teeter into the Grand Lake Theatre with the last bit of muscle control that you can muster, and you will drop ten fucking bucks to sit in the very front of the theatre and go “oooh whoah” in between giggle-fits for two goddamn hours.

Have fun, asshole. This will be another reason I hate you so goddamn much.

-Your Future Self

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So it sounds like the movie will be worth seeing! FOUR STARS THANK YOU MARVEL AND GARBAGE DIRECTOR!

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