Why oh why did I write any of these phrases:

***
Captain Kirk beamed down into yet another unfamiliar world. Of all the places to end up…just them he heard a familiar shimmer, and turned to see Mr. Spock materialize next to him.

A few moments of silent and intent observation of their surrounding passed. Mr. Spock turned to Kirk and wryly said, “Jim, this place appears to be highly illogical, ” and returned his gaze to the brick building before them, bustling with brightly and crazily dressed young humans ever more rapidly pouring out to the blaring of a klaxon.

A placard above the building read, “Degrassi Middle School.”

******

Vanilla Ice was greedily eyeing the shaggily clad hips of MC Hammer when Downtown Julie Brown tapped him on the shoulder and gave him an ominous wink, then yelled out, “Hey Hammer, don’t hurt us!” She smiled alluringly at them both, wrapping her arms around the hot young Vanilla pie while lasciviously winking a “come hither” to that yummy chocolate pie dancer. The men froze, as food does before it is eaten

This would be the end of a very fun MTV Video Music Awards…and the beginning of a very sexy night!

****

Chairy was depressed. She sat sad and lonely awake in the Playhouse, the darkness settled sleep onto all of her companions.

No one but her had seen all of Pee-Wee’s…horrors. So close.

But there was one perversion she had not witnessed-or been subjected-to.

Tonight, that would change.

*******

The battered neon sign read: Cooze Oooze.

“Hell of a name for a sign, eh Garibaldi?” Lando cackled and regally stumbled towards the gaping hellhole.

Garibaldi smiled and chased after him. He dashed into him a bit too hard and they both fell into each other and onto the grimy ground in front of the station’s sex club. It was mostly lurkers here tonight, so the crowd was rough…but they did nothing but cheer as they watched the two station notables lock lips in front of them them.

The lurkers weren’t the only ones watching the surprise show….security cameras were, too.

Back in his office, Zack drew in a deep breath as he watched the scene unfold on the screen before him.

“No way Chief…no way.”

*****

Bigfoot clung desperately and joyfully to the massive floating log oh so recently wrenched from the shores of the lake by his new partner. “OWWRARWWRR!” he cried out in pleasure and the Lock Ness Monster lurched forward with a new wave of pleisiasauran pleasure-making.

They would have no babies, only love.

*******

Of all the places in the world to have ended up, Oprah had never, ever suspected she would end up here: the King of Kuwait’s private harem room.