I heard some interview with these people a while back and they were talking about intentionally creating a Rocky Horror Picture Show0-style cult movie. I thought, “Ha! Fuck you! That shit is way too cynical and the thing will be ass.”

Then I saw this clip:

And this one:

And so I will probably see this, with joy.

I already have seen this Repo movie, which the Opera is not a sequel to:

My Name is Bruce opens in theaters Friday, November 14th, 2008.

TRAILER HERE

Even better? Bruce will appear at showings of the film around the country…and do a Q&A afterwards!

Over at Wonkette, one of the commenters posted this:
“A little over halfway through, the main speaker, the crazy lady, accurately identified Spain as our ally

I would point out that McCain had failed to do so.”

L
O
L

We all love you GA-MER-RWHAT THE HELL THIS GAMERA MOVIE ACTUALLY LOOKS AWESOME:

Barring finding a copy of Gamera 3, I suppose I will just watch these all weekend: Kaiju Big Battel. it is wrestling with a ref and such, but featuring people wearing giant monster outfits.

I wish I was a children of Japan.

gamera, gamera 3, trailer, quality kaiju movie

All Dogs Go to heaven is dark as hell!, originally uploaded by Dave Prosper.

Plot from IMDB:

A dog returns from the dead looking for revenge on his killer using an orphan girl who can talk to animals.”

W
T
F

I mean, can imagine proposing this as a children’s movie to some executive?

Don Bluth: “Yeah a zombie dog forces a psychic orphan girl to help him exact grisly revenge on his killer.”

Movie Exec:”Oh cool, you get ten mill to make it Mr. Bluth!”

all dogs go to heaven, dark, plot, don bluth

OK so I wanted to know how good the new Fantastic Four movie will be, but I do not want to wait to find out because I sort of want to get hammered on Friday night and watch it! I looked around for reviews but could not find any good ones, I was about to try alt.filmpirates.moviereviews.bin but I remembered that I hate using Usenet!

I then remembered that I had a future self problem! It hasn’t been so bad lately, but I know he comes out of my brain when I least suspect it!

I wrote on the computer screen in rub-out marker,

FUTURE SELF: DID YOU SEE THE FANTASTIC FOUR:RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER MOVIE IN THE FUTURE? IF SO SHOULD I GO SEE IT? THANX TOUCHING

Then I drank a quart of whiskey and passed out with my face stuck to the keyboard!

I woke up a couple of days later, I was in the bathtub, but not in water: I was in a pool of baby oil! This is weird! I said to myself, but it was OK, I figured it was the Future Self doin’ thangs to my body again. He was probably trying to fix it after all I have been doing to it (smoking reservation cigarettes, drinking quarts of whiskey, cough syrup binges, cheese heroin shakes, dimetap and hydrogen peroxide, etc)

It took me a long time to get out of the tub, since I was so slippery! I blew out the scented lavender candles and rubbed the oil off of my body, I had to swing my feet out over the edge of the tub and rub them with a towel, then rub most of my body to get the rest of the oil off, then rub my lower body and feet and legs AGAIN to get the rest of the oil that dripped off, then I slid out of the bathroom into the door!

When I woke up again I was still by the door and nothing strange had happened, so I must have just passed out like a normal person. Anyway, so I got up, and since I had landed on the rug and not the plastic bathroom floor, I could move and not slide an extra three inches per step due to oilfoot, so I thought it a good time to go back to the computer!

The marker was rubbed out and a notepad was open on the computer, it was a message from my future self! it said:

****************
ATTN: Touching:
RE: Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer

Ok you dumbfuck, I don’t even know why I am typing this to you. I know damn well you’re going to see this stupid movie, and you and I both know you’re going to get royally fucked up before you watch it. In fact, you’re going to get so fucked up that you are going to thoroughly enjoy the “film” in question. In fact you will tell your fucking roommate that “it’s awesome, go see it!” because all you can remember from your cough-syrup induced delirium is how cool the Silver Surfer looked and acted, and that you liked how silly everything was.

Maybe if I drank two and a half 16-ounce bottles of Robotussin I would feel the same way..OH WAIT! I did, didn’t I? That’s right, brainfucker, I did, because I had to come from you.

So, do you want to know what you should do? I’ll tell you. Don’t see it, go draw pictures or study astronomy this coming Friday. What will you actually do? You’ll drink five or six Pabst Blue Ribbon’s at Kingman’s Lounge or The Alley or the Easy Lounge or some other fucking Oakland hipster preening hellhole and be so drunk you’ll think you are having a good time there, then you’ll stop by the drugstore and buy three bottles of cough syrup with dextramorthophan and drink them one by one in the back of the meth-addled Kwikway (in front of the eyepatch lady, too), before hurling in front of the KFC before you get halfway through the third bottle of Robo. Then you know what you’ll do? You will teeter into the Grand Lake Theatre with the last bit of muscle control that you can muster, and you will drop ten fucking bucks to sit in the very front of the theatre and go “oooh whoah” in between giggle-fits for two goddamn hours.

Have fun, asshole. This will be another reason I hate you so goddamn much.

-Your Future Self

****
So it sounds like the movie will be worth seeing! FOUR STARS THANK YOU MARVEL AND GARBAGE DIRECTOR!

future self, adventures with touching, fantastic four: rise of the silver surfer, review, fantastic four: rise of the silver surfer review, baby oil bath

Wizard People, Dear Readers is probably the funniest thing ever made, and we know about it sorta by accident, no less! A funny man named Brad Neely made it as a gift to his girlfriend, she started giving out copies, and now…here we go! It is basically an alternative soundtrack to the first “Harry Potter” movie, made as if it is a book on tape as read by a deranged lunatic. It is epic in both scale, the description of Harry’s alcoholism, and most important, in hilarity!

Here is the first one for your enjoyment! I’ll be putting up more as we upload them. There are already a bunch of videos up on Youtube (and a group to join) so if you want to see ‘em “early” you can!

The full script is available here, courtesy of the Wizard People Livejournal krew.

And if you have a copy of the first “Harry Potter” movie, you can download the soundtrack here and have good times.

wizard people dear readers, brad neely, video, soundtrack, funny, harry potter, intro, alternate soundtrack, satire, parody

Last night I rented “Godzilla: Final Wars.” It’s claim to fame, until the point that I watched it that is, was that Godzilla battles “Zilla” and handily beats him (”Zilla” is the Toho name for “American Godzilla” from the crappy 1998 American movie). Well, in fact, Godzilla battles every damned monster he’s faced, it seems. So, with that bit of knowledge in my head I popped in the DVD and proceeded to be shocked and awed by the glorious glory that was the most effed up and insane Godzilla movie I have ever seen. Now that I know the director was the same gent behind “Versus” (Ryuhei Kitamura) things make a bit more sense.

This movie has everything. EVERYTHING. In no particular order, there is a flying submarine with a spinning drill and lasers that defends Earth(aka the legendary Atragon), Godzilla imprisoned in the ice in Antarctica, aliens that want to eat people, tons of monsters, the Mothra min-twins, martial arts, running on walls, lasers, robots, UFOs, mutant super-teams, Super-Saiyin power-ups, Minilla (aka Baby Godzilla) changing sizes and interacting with children and grandfathers, Mothra on fire, the deaths of millions, homoeroticism, Matrix bullet time, Neo/Smith stye fights, tons of Engrish, an Ultimate-Fighter-turned-flying-sub-captain, effed up portrayals of Americans, swordfights, pretty ladies in hot scientist labcoats, a V-style face-rip scene, kidnapped world leaders, the UN, blood, cratered cityscapes, dudes in rubber suits, CG action, actual stuntwork, wires, a big budget, etc, etc, etc.

And for a true WTF experience watch it with the language set to Japanese with American subtitles. Don’t worry. You will be able to follow everything with the greatest of ease (kinda like the first time I watched “Versus” with no subs or dubs available)-especially since the American captain always speaks in English, and everyone always responds to him in Japanese. He is sorta like Chewbacca. It’s really, really, weird-especially when he gives a long and dramatic speech in front of the Defense Force, all in English!

GO RENT THIS MOVIE YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT ONE MILLION STARS/out of four

PS: The alternate title for this movie could be “Godzilla has the Best Day of His Life” and when you see it you will understand what I mean.

Godzilla, Godzilla:Final Wars, review, Toho, Don Frye, Ryuhei Kitamura

subREVOLTers!!!

For instance:

Smoke billowing from your groin! always funny!
(hey, not his fault–he was testing a “secret government agency” prototype penis when its temperature gauge malfunctioned…causing a premature eruption.)

oh hey, if you can find it, Onur Tukel’s first film, House of Pancakes, is also a gem. but I suggest waiting for the dvd release because Tukel shot it on 16mm for $9000–so sound quality? yeah, not so hot.

movies, onur tukel, ding-a-ling-less, kirk wilson, house of pancakes

Usually the ‘ol uTub is a font of anything I want to find, from videos of kids ghost ridin’ the whip to episodes of Yu-gi-oh: The Abridged Series to old commercials and god help me, Beyblade, the most gloriously inane and incomprehensible show ever made.

But uTub only had one decently long clip of Wizard People, Dear Readers (which is now one of my new favorite things in the world)! Granted, it was the Cribbage Match, which is probably the best part of the whole insanely funny package, but I wanted MORE! MORE!!!#@$# SO ROOMMATE and I rented Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone (American Release, that is important!!, also it was the widescreen DVD) and played with teh iMovie to make the whole redubbed movie and then we started clipping it up for uTub delivery! We have a few up, there are more here on my uTub site, and more clips will be added on a semi-regular basis!

Enjoy watching Harry Potter, ‘ol HP himself, learn how to harness his incredible powers and fully embrace the terrible Godhood that awaits him !

wizard people dear readers, brad neely, mashup, hp, videos, youtube, youtub, harry potter, funny