OK so I wanted to know how good the new Fantastic Four movie will be, but I do not want to wait to find out because I sort of want to get hammered on Friday night and watch it! I looked around for reviews but could not find any good ones, I was about to try alt.filmpirates.moviereviews.bin but I remembered that I hate using Usenet!

I then remembered that I had a future self problem! It hasn’t been so bad lately, but I know he comes out of my brain when I least suspect it!

I wrote on the computer screen in rub-out marker,

FUTURE SELF: DID YOU SEE THE FANTASTIC FOUR:RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER MOVIE IN THE FUTURE? IF SO SHOULD I GO SEE IT? THANX TOUCHING

Then I drank a quart of whiskey and passed out with my face stuck to the keyboard!

I woke up a couple of days later, I was in the bathtub, but not in water: I was in a pool of baby oil! This is weird! I said to myself, but it was OK, I figured it was the Future Self doin’ thangs to my body again. He was probably trying to fix it after all I have been doing to it (smoking reservation cigarettes, drinking quarts of whiskey, cough syrup binges, cheese heroin shakes, dimetap and hydrogen peroxide, etc)

It took me a long time to get out of the tub, since I was so slippery! I blew out the scented lavender candles and rubbed the oil off of my body, I had to swing my feet out over the edge of the tub and rub them with a towel, then rub most of my body to get the rest of the oil off, then rub my lower body and feet and legs AGAIN to get the rest of the oil that dripped off, then I slid out of the bathroom into the door!

When I woke up again I was still by the door and nothing strange had happened, so I must have just passed out like a normal person. Anyway, so I got up, and since I had landed on the rug and not the plastic bathroom floor, I could move and not slide an extra three inches per step due to oilfoot, so I thought it a good time to go back to the computer!

The marker was rubbed out and a notepad was open on the computer, it was a message from my future self! it said:

****************
ATTN: Touching:
RE: Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer

Ok you dumbfuck, I don’t even know why I am typing this to you. I know damn well you’re going to see this stupid movie, and you and I both know you’re going to get royally fucked up before you watch it. In fact, you’re going to get so fucked up that you are going to thoroughly enjoy the “film” in question. In fact you will tell your fucking roommate that “it’s awesome, go see it!” because all you can remember from your cough-syrup induced delirium is how cool the Silver Surfer looked and acted, and that you liked how silly everything was.

Maybe if I drank two and a half 16-ounce bottles of Robotussin I would feel the same way..OH WAIT! I did, didn’t I? That’s right, brainfucker, I did, because I had to come from you.

So, do you want to know what you should do? I’ll tell you. Don’t see it, go draw pictures or study astronomy this coming Friday. What will you actually do? You’ll drink five or six Pabst Blue Ribbon’s at Kingman’s Lounge or The Alley or the Easy Lounge or some other fucking Oakland hipster preening hellhole and be so drunk you’ll think you are having a good time there, then you’ll stop by the drugstore and buy three bottles of cough syrup with dextramorthophan and drink them one by one in the back of the meth-addled Kwikway (in front of the eyepatch lady, too), before hurling in front of the KFC before you get halfway through the third bottle of Robo. Then you know what you’ll do? You will teeter into the Grand Lake Theatre with the last bit of muscle control that you can muster, and you will drop ten fucking bucks to sit in the very front of the theatre and go “oooh whoah” in between giggle-fits for two goddamn hours.

Have fun, asshole. This will be another reason I hate you so goddamn much.

-Your Future Self

****
So it sounds like the movie will be worth seeing! FOUR STARS THANK YOU MARVEL AND GARBAGE DIRECTOR!

future self, adventures with touching, fantastic four: rise of the silver surfer, review, fantastic four: rise of the silver surfer review, baby oil bath

I mean, I looked at my blog and it was not displaying animated gifs for some reason (well, maybe they hired a designer with a sense of fucking taste). When I reposted it, a familiar error by the name of “an unexpected error has occurred” occurred, and then when I tried again I got some messed up time/date stamp error which i had never seen before!

This is on top of random weird errors that happened when I tried to pretty up my profile and blog with the new “DIE HARD FOREVER AND EVER UNTIL BRUCE WILLIS DIES” editor!

Maybe the Pubic Troll is having fun in the server room again. I dunno. What would Myspace be without ten million fucking errors, eh? It just wouldn’t be Myspace any more (it would be pleasant to use, that is)!

Seriously, have you ever tried to actually sit down and watch an episode of “Go-Bots”? It’s so fucking horrible and lazy and makes no sense, and not in an entertaining way like “Beyblade.” All evidence of that show’s existence must be destroyed.

worst comic ever, webcomic, comic, gobots, transformers, the gobots! the gobots!, problem solved lol, mspaint, bees, missing bees

OK so today I woke up and ROOMMATE was not around! It was good times, I danced around naked in the apartment for a while to 90s music like THE REAL MCCOY and HADDAWAY until I remembered that people can see in through the windows, so I washed some clothes and put them on like a normal human being!

I went on the inter-net but I got bored, so I decided to go to Everything2 and type in “Robotech.” I was enthralled for hours and then I found out they MADE A SEQUEL THAT WAS ACTUALLY ANIMATED AS AN ACTUAL ROBOTECH CARTOON. In case you have a life and did not either grow up in the 80s or smoke pot and watch Cartoon Network in the late 90s Robotech is an awesome show (when you are stoned or a small child) about aliens who invade Earth to get a ship they lost and who apparently like J-Pop a whole lot! Also there are lots of mechs and space fighters that transform into robots (those sequences were most of the budget…of the show they came from!). The show was actually three shows stitched together from Japanese TV to make one show for America! Hahaha wtf.

ANYWAY I decided to go buy that movie! TOUCHING, my mind said, YOU NEED TO GO NOW AND BUY IT AND ALSO A JUG OF CARLO ROSSI TO HELP WITH THE MOVIE!

So I went out! I drove to Berkeley, which is basically the worst thing you can do in the Bay Area (aside from letting your truck melt the highway!) I somehow found parking close to RASPUTIN’S and AMOEBA and went into both, hoping to find the movie. NO LUCK but I did find a whole bunch of Hentai which was exactly next to the “R” section in the “Japanime” <---hahaha that is seriously what they called it--->and that sucked because girls already do not like you if you are looking at anime, if they think you are looking at tentacle schoolgirl pr0n and being all picky about it they probably want to call the police or at least take a pic of you and post it to “Don’t Date Him Girl.com”!

So neither of those places had it! I went ughghgh and went into a Moe’s Bookstore and SOMEHOW FOUND A COPY OF “MARTIANS GO HOME” (which was right next to the “John Brunner” section, double awesome!).

Anyway, this left me with one option: I had to go…to….EMERYVILLE. DAMMIT. Well I forced myself to go, I ended up at the Borders or Barnes and Noble or whatever big giant corporate bookstore that is there near Trader Joe’s! I looked it up on their video thingie and it said —>whoah touching look at that beautiful Indian lady over there *swoon* I should go over and say hi and maybe try to WAIT MOVIE —> and then the video search thingie said NOT AVAILABLE YOU CAN ORDER IT AND IT WILL GET HERE IN ONE WEEK!

Well THAT WILL NOT DO! I screamed, the Indian lady looked over at me when I did that, I smiled and said “Hi!” and she looked creeped out and walked away, dangit! I make more irritated nerd noises and walked out and thought, TOUCHING< maybe you can just go to the other bookstore? The other bookstore is in the worst place on Earth though, it is in the faux-small-town brick "Emery Bay" chamber of horrors, so I said NO! to my brain and suggested I download a backup copy in the inter-net instead!

TOUCHING, my brain said, Good idea!

SO now I have been waiting one hour, it says "57 minutes until completion" so while I could not buy a DVD I ended up saving twenty or thirty bucks! THANK YOU ISOHUNT.COM!

Physical Media Review: poor
Internet Review: three and a half stars (half a star is taken away because downloading it was not completely instant, but was only like two hours probably!)

adventures with touching, robotech, robotech: shadow wars, emeryville, bittorrent, dvd, review, bar area, east bay, shopping

Today I feel grouchy because this was one of those days when I was making screenshots and writing procedures and I realized that this was exactly why my twelve year old self did not want to get a computer, since I could see with an eerie prophetic certainty that I would end up as a PC tech and not becoming something more meaningful and useful to society, like, I don’t know, an astronomer or some sort of space scientist or a person who helps people around the world in some fashion (and NOT by resetting someone’s forgotten password at a Corporate location in Bangkok!). I think this means I should go back to school or find myself or something but I have a car to pay off and loans from earlier schooling to pay off and greed as well so I think I am doomed!

ANYWAY since I feel so nasty I thought I might was well run with it, here are thigns I hate and maybe why:

HOME DEPOT: Hi I hate going to you because you put good hardware places out of business for no reason since you end up having terrible and unhappy staff and run out of stuff all of the time and basically are one of the most unpleasant places in the world to be, aside from maybe Aldis or Sudan.

GAMESTOP: Hi also on this list are BABBAGES and ELECTRONICS BOUTIQUE because they are all owned by the same people or group or whatever.”Hey sell us your newly purchased games for five bucks so we can sell them for forty-five dollars!” Also we bundle shit and love to make people wait in frikin’ line and abuse the hell out of our customers and employees so badly you will wonder why you started playing games in the first place!

EMERYVILLE, CA: Let’s pave over a native shellmound and name the street “Shellmound” so as to pretend like we care about what we did! Then let’s build a bunch of strip malls and call it “the shopping center of the Bay Area” and then build condos right next to the strip malls so you to can pay (1 yr ago $750,000) $400,000 for the “privilege” of living next to Gamestop and Taco Bell and nonstop, awful traffic! Don’t even get me started on the retarded fakeness of “Emery Bay Shopping area” or whatever the brick-lined, faux small-town megashopping center is called. Also you suck, Emeryville, because inevitably I need to go to you once every two weeks for something from the Apple Store or Trader Joe’s or fucking Home Depot, god dammit.***However, Pixar is there and that is kinda cool but not as cool as everyone hypes it up to be***

Condescending Hippies: These are the people who South Park made fun of for being “smug” and they are so dead on! They are the people who assume I bought my hybrid for altruistic hippie reasons (which yes there were some) but do not understand that my overriding reasons for spacecar purchase were :
1. hatred of American cars stemming from owning two Buicks, one from 1978 and one from 1984, both of which fell apart when touched and consumed more gasoline than that gas truck that melted the highway last Sunday!
2. Hatred of buying gasoline and odd cheapness overall.
3. Tax and carpool lane bonuses (closely related to #2)

The smug hippies sometimes walk past my apartment and I can hear them from the balcony, they complain about apartment buildings in my neighborhood and even point to my apartment building and say with that weird tone,”and THAT is another eyesore.”

SORRY I CANNOT AFFORD A NICE HOUSE TO LIVE IN ASSHOLE, ALSO SORRY APARTMENTS BRING IN “THE WRONG KIND OF PEOPLE” (aka minorities and people who are upper middle class).

PUNDITS: While I am at it, I also want to add pundits from all sides to this list, as they all seem to ignore facts and whip people up into taking retarded sides and ignoring important parts of issues because NO IT IS LIBERAL VERSUS CONSERVATIVE NOW SHUT UP AND PICK A SIDE

Yes this includes Air America as well as Fox news, but also people like Lou Dobbs and Keith Olberman! gasp! OH YES PLEASE BOIL AN ISSUE DOWN TO AN INSANELY SIMPLE FORMAT AND TELL ME WHAT TO THINK OH THANK YOU PUNDIT YOU ARE TEH AWESOMEST

My cynicism: I hate hating everything and thinking nothing works and that everything is pointless and stupid! I think it means I need a girlfriend but that doesn’t work out very well most of the time so I have been hiding from commitment or something, wait that is my cynicism again DAMMIT

touching, adventures with touching, list, hate, things I hate

OK well I think I am good for now. I feel marginally better so maybe I will go eat lunch or something and read about Atomic Bombs.

Roomate is verbally abusive to me all of the time but I am afraid to speak out for fear of waking up with a dong in my mouth but I do not care any more! He has called me the following dirty awful things just today:

Daveypuss
Daveypussy
Ovis
Ovispussy
Ovispuss
Sexual David
Davidpuss
Daveydickles
Sweet Davey
Sweet Daveydick
Sweetums
oviskins
Daveykins
pusspuss
Daveyclaus
Davis
Davispussy

I think there is a pattern here!

adventures with touching, roommate, names, abuse, roommate abuse

OK so I went to the decadent Croquet match last week at my school that my favorite insane perpetual presidential candidate Lyndon Larouche called a “hotbed of neocons” aka of Straussians!

I went because I am doing thangs for my class’s Homecoming! I had a busy time and did not get to see lots of people or do lost of things I wanted to do, because there were too many other awesome people and things to do that I could not do it all! It was frustrating, but I did manage to get one special thing done: investigate the Straussian conspiracy!

I poked around the drunken alumni tent and the people there were talking about lots of different things (especially things like HEY I HAVE CHILDREN and I MARRIED THIS PERSON HERE etc etc) but finally I saw one person dressed in a nice suit, but he had shifty eyes! I talked about politics with him and said, I THINK THE ENDS JUSTIFIED THE MEANS, THE SPREAD OF DEMOCRACY IS TOO PRECIOUS and he beamed and said, TOUCHING< --THAT IS WHAT I THINK AS WELL!

That is when I knew he was a neo-con for sure! ALUM, I said, I think there was a few other people who think like us who were supposed to be around this weekend, but I forgot where I was supposed to meet them! Do YOU know where to go?

YES! he said, I know exactly what you are thinking! >wink wink< and so we went away from croquet and down the street to the Gellatto place near the docks in Annapolis!

There is a barber who lives down there who used to drive Mussolini around, it was a school rite to go down to the barber shop and get a haircut and listen to how Mussolini “was a good man” and smile and nod and think WTF! Anyway we went into his shop, it was a haircut flashback to be sure! The Alum and the barber nodded and winked and the barber spun a customer around: it was that Kristol guy from the Project for the New American Century!!!@

KRISTOL MAN, I said, I am honored to meet you! (when you meet a high level Straussian you have to tell them you are honored to meet them, it lets them know you are one of them and also says, “OK Philosophy-Kinglet tell me teh academic ecrets! Also government ones if you have some plz!)

He smiled and said TOUCHING I have heard of you! You possess secret mind control grammar knowledge, would you like to join PNAC and do insane things for democracy and the US no matter what anyone says?

NO! I said, I have problems enough already!

He laughed and said, TOUCHING I knew you would say that. Think of this as an open invitation!

Just then the barber and alum came with four shots of whiskey! I smiled because I needed a drink (I was in Annapolis and and awake and not drunk yet for gods sake!) Mr. Kristol said DEATH TO ISLAMOFASCIM! and I drank my shot-AND NO ONE ELSE DID!

WHAT MANNER OF TOMFOOLERY IS THIS?!?!?! I screamed, and then I woke up on the lawn at the college with a bottle of Don Felipe tequilla nestled in the crook of my arm, drained!

I looked around and most of the people were gone! I shouted DAMMIT MY RIDE! I jumped up and had massive hangovertimes and THUS ENDED MY NEOCON INVESTIGATIVE REPORT FOR THE INTERNET.